Time Changes People
by trunks111
Summary: PeteKyle. Shonen-ai. Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation. Dark thoughts, bright future. What is to come?
1. Chapter 1

'What happened? I used to be able to write so much and so often. I wrote daily. Poems, stories, all of that. I even came up with my own characters and worlds. Not anymore though. Anymore I can barely even write for myself. Let alone create my own characters. I don't know what happened. It's never been like this before. I've always written. Usually not more than a day or two would go by without me writing something.  
Has depression taken that too? My innate ability to write? That can't be, can it? I've been writing and practicing writing for years now. Why has it changed recently? Sure, a lot has gone on... But I've never experienced this. It's like there's no creativity anymore. I don't feel the need to write. I don't..., I don't feel anything really. Is it the medication? I mean, I don't really feel the depression anymore. I feel listless and restless sometimes, but not really what one would call depressed. Occasionally, but not like I was before this set of meds. I guess maybe..., this is like that very first set of meds I was on. When I couldn't really feel anything at all. I think this is what that was like, except there is feeling this time. It's not as bad as that first time. The only real problem lately has been anxiety. It hasn't been that bad in the last week, but it was getting bad. Not as it had been before, but tests do cause some small amount of anxiety as does the paper that's due saturday. But nothing that's not manageable. Overall, I guess I might say for the most part, I'm content. I have community college, my video games, and skype with my best friend, Henrietta, she moved away a few years ago but we still mostly keep in contact. She too, has depression and anxiety and takes meds for it. I have a boyfriend, and I think things are going well, most of the time. His name is Kyle, Kyle Broflovski.  
Kyle also has anxiety and bi-polar depression, which he takes meds for. We've been together for eight months.  
Enough about that though. I wonder if I can write something...'

Pete sat there, staring at his notebook paper for long minutes, listening to Henrietta babble about her game. Finally, he put the pen to the paper and began to write a poem.

'Nothingness,  
Like empty space,  
Filled with the essence of nothing.  
Whiteness, static,  
Nothing felt,  
Nor thought.  
It's strange,  
Usually things are buzzing,  
but lately,  
Everything is quiet.  
It's truly like I'm floating,  
in the Nothing.  
Will the emptiness consume Me as well?  
Or is the Void content to have everything but myself?'

'That was definitely darker than I anticipated. But..., it rings true in all forms.  
My thoughts have been drifting back to my hospital stay. The one over the summer. My therapist had discovered my plan of suicide and thought it best to have me admitted. I don't know if the stay helped, maybe for a time it did, but sometimes I wonder if perhaps I shouldn't have stayed longer, or even go back. Things are more intensive there for a few days than one, one hour session a week, are they not? Perhaps that would be more beneficial? But to what end? I feel fine, in fact, I really feel nothing at all. Maybe though, that is reason enough to go? I do not know, I am not qualified to make such decisions. I don't wish to harm myself or others, so there is no clear reason for me to go. Perhaps this bears thinking about no longer. Why question when life is going smoothly? Well, I know why question. Because something is bound to happen to make everything go to shit again.'

He sighs and glances out the window across from his desk. True thoughts. True, slightly dark, thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

'My days are pretty much the same. Sleep until class, go to class, do homework, then either nap or play video games. Sometimes I'll go play Pokemon Go, either by myself or with Kyle. But that's really all I do. Oh, and sometimes skype with Henrietta while playing something. My life is pretty boring. Even so, lately I've been feeling suicidal again. I'm not sure why. It doesn't make sense. Nothing can really hold my attention either. That's been going on for a few weeks. Writing isn't going any where either.  
I'm always bored, no matter what I'm doing. Nothing will hold my attention for longer than a few minutes and it's infuriating.

I'm going to school, but I don't have a job. What happens if it reaches my birthday and I still don't have one? I won't be able to pay for my phone or my car insurance. Kyle wants to get me piercings but I worry about getting them if I need to go back to the hospital and have to take them out. I may need to. Suicide is looking good. I don't see a point in my existence. I have the new game system I've been wanting, but I don't feel happy about it. I don't feel anything. I should be happy or something. Kyle and I are good. I'm in school and it's mostly going well. But all I can think about it how I'd rather be dead and therefore not have to deal with anything. No school, no relationship, no money worries. Nothing. Doesn't that sound good? It does to me.

I know that line of thought isn't a good one. But sometimes, it just sounds so fucking appealing, you know?  
I applied for a couple of jobs, but I don't really expect to hear anything back any time soon.

Surprise, surprise, a day later, I got a call from one of the places. A grocery store, one I had worked at before. I didn't really want to work there again, but the pay was all right, a decent position. The only thing was, what if I couldn't do it? What if I couldn't handle school and a job? The fuck then? What if my depression got bad again? What the fuck then? I need a job. I need school.  
I talked to Kyle about it though and he was extremely supportive of me. He said he believed in me. That I could do it. Both things.  
So I went to the interview, I don't know how it went though. I was honest and upfront about having depression and having had anxiety attacks in the past due to people. The woman conducting the interview didn't seem very sympathetic or anything. So I may have blown it by being honest. She said she had a few others to conduct over the weekend so she would let me know either way what the outcome was.  
Of course, I'm feeling pessimistic about it. I try to keep myself distracted though. I played Fable 3 and talked to Henrietta over Xbox. Eventually, I joined her on Elder Scrolls Online for a little bit before I had to go to bed for class in the morning.  
The distraction seems to be working mostly, though I am rather sleepy, and am contemplating a nap after class. I know midday naps are a bad idea because of my depression but the idea is so tempting.

In the end I wound up playing some ESO and then Fable III. Henrietta eventually joined me on Fable and I went into her world for upwards of three hours. I got the achievement I was trying to get though.  
The next day when we played, she came to my world and in-game we married and bought all kinds of stuff all over Albion. Largely businesses but occasionally a house if only to get a chest or key that it contained. We played in my world for a while before switching to hers where she showed me the child she had and then had to adopt because she killed his father.  
I had to go though because I had therapy early in the morning. I couldn't sleep at first, but eventually I managed to fall asleep.

Lately I've been having issues with my anxiety. I've been chewing on my inner bottom lip frequently. It hurts to do so when I catch myself doing it, I try to stop. It's not as bad as my normal picking at the skin on my lips, but it's created what feels like a line on the inside. Perhaps a scar beginning to form from my chewing. I feel restless again or still rather. Sometimes my leg will bounce as I'm sitting there or I'll pace like I used to.  
I had forgotten to take my meds for more than a few days, but I've remembered and started taking them again. I noticed a difference when it had been more than a few days of being off them and having been consistently taking them. They're definitely helping in terms of my depression. I think the anxiety is partially coming from school and being jobless and things with Kyle. Though things between he and I are good now, I still worry about spending time with him. Having the time to do so that is. School is getting more intense, my math class begins in the next week. I already had to do the first assignment before the class begins, all 49 questions. It was kind of strange to be doing math again to be honest. Most of it was easy and came back to me readily. Some of it though, was somewhat difficult, I can only guess that it will get more difficult as time goes on.

I met with my advisor the day before. Seeing my college stuff outlined..., it was cool yet frightening. It's nice to know I have a decent plan but it's also kinda scary given all the work it's going to entail. I'm not really afraid of the work aspect of it, just the how am I going to pay for it and have time to do everything. It's kinda stressful to think about but I think I can get through it if I take it a day at a time. I think I've gotten better at doing that.


	3. Chapter 3

'Things are actually good. Kyle and I are good. My depression seems to have pretty much gone away though I have had some issues with my anxiety at times. I had a therapy appointment today. We had nothing to talk about. Mostly because I haven't been writing. If I write, there will be something to talk about. Like what I've been neglecting to actually say.  
I'm doing good right now. I don't want to change anything about myself. I like where I'm at. I know I feel good/better because of the medication. I know that. ANd I want to keep that. I would rather go through life just being medicated and not change anything about my thoughts or whatever. I don't care. I like being negative. I like making jokes about death. I like myself being dark. It wouldn't necessarily change if I implemented the skills my therapist wants me to but still. I don't really want to change anything. Which I realize is a problem. Medication is supposed to help so you can get to a place so you can make the necessary changes. I know without the medication I would go back to being depressed and suicidal. I don't want that, but I also don't want to put forth the effort it will take to change myself. I'll be a full-time student next semester and most likely all semesters following it. I don't feel like I have time to dedicate to myself as well as my studies. I know I need to though, but I don't care. I don't care about that.

Kyle is working on himself though. And I'm really happy for him and encouraging and helping him with stuff, but for me? No. Not for myself. I don't care about myself like that. I never have. Hell, even my personal hygiene is taking a hit again as I don't feel like showering unless I'm with him. Brushing my crooked teeth was always something I neglected as a kid and it hasn't really changed in adulthood. He reminds me too typically when I'm with him, and I grumble but I do it to to make him happy. But I don't care about my teeth or my body. It is what it is. Sure, I want to be thinner and have somewhat better teeth, but that requires work. And I don't really feel like putting in the effort.

There's probably some deep, underlying reason for why I'm like this. But I don't want to push into why I am. I'd rather just accept it for what it is and move on. Continue therapy, medication, and school. Hell maybe I'll even be able to get a job again. That would be super helpful. Though I don't know if I can do it. A job and school I mean. I would only have the job as part time of course, but still. It would be nice to be working again though. I miss it. I'd like to work and go to school. As long as I could continue to do well in class and still work. I don't know though. I just put the application in today. The other place never tried to call me again so I gave up on them.  
First semester of college is coming to an end in another month. I can hardly believe it. Just four more weeks. A final in at least one class. I know the one class doesn't have one and the other just has a final paper the professor is building up to. I'm not sure about the other class though.  
It's all pretty unreal.  
That I'm still alive. That I went to the psyche ward for a few days. That I'm a college freshman. That I'm with Kyle Broflovski. That my depression has lessened considerably.  
It's all unreal. I can hardly believe it. In fact, I rarely even think about these things. I just take it a day at a time anymore. I try not to think about the future. I try to just think about the current day and maybe a day or two ahead but that's it. Life just is.'

And with that, Pete puts his pen down and pushes away from his desk. He stands and takes a cigarette from the pack beside the notebook. He walks to the window and opens it so he can lean out before lighting his cigarette. He smokes as he gazes out the window. It was a warmer day, spring has arrived, bringing plenty of rain and turning the remaining snow to slush. Life is good. Why question it?


	4. Chapter 4

'Some days are good. Some are fine. Other days, I sit and wonder what the point is. Does any of it really even matter? Sometimes self-destruction is necessary. Maybe a little wouldn't hurt too much. Just something different to do. It'd be nice to feel something. This really came out of no where. But I guess it does that.

Classes are going well. A's and one B. Final exam in English and Math in about three weeks. Two tests left in Psychology. Really just the final presentation in FYE. So that class is rather boring and it lasts for what feels like forever. Sure sometimes the conversations are interesting, but largely it's very boring and nothing to do really. It's mainly a GPA booster class. Just do the easy assignments and show up to class. And, theoretically speaking, you should pass. The hardest part of the entire class will be the final presentation. Getting up in front of everyone and showing the powerpoint I made and then talking about each slide. It lasts eight to ten minutes. I'm betting it will be some of the longest ten minutes I've spent in that class. Though with how boring it is..., all the ten minute intervals are long.

I don't know about things with Kyle. Sometimes they seem to be going well and other times I wonder. I love him, don't get me wrong. But sometimes he makes me wonder if we should really continue trying. We're opposites in almost every way. And while opposites attract, is the opposition too much? Sometimes I think it is. And despite my love for him, I wonder why we still try. We seem to fight far more often than is healthy for a relationship. He's everything I've ever wanted except for one thing. And I wonder if that one thing will eventually drive us apart for good. I'm betting it will because it causes so many problems as it is. I mean, as I said, I love him, but that one thing..., it makes me doubt that we will actually work. It causes so very many issues between us. So I don't know what he intends to do. Stay or go. I'll leave the choice up to him. I'm tired.

Maybe a nap before my next class. Well I've two hours. So an hour and a half nap if I napped now. Or I could play something. Maybe I'll play something. Probably for a little while. Maybe have some lunch before class too.  
This week I want to buy some alcohol and have a night of drinking and gaming. Like I used to. The hard choice is which night. Considering I have to be up early nearly every day. Maybe tuesday night. Since I don't have to be up early wednesday for once. Don't know what games I'll play but I'm sure I'll find some. Drink some mike's and play maybe Dragon Age. Maybe some Stick of Truth. Maybe some guitar hero.  
Either way, it'll be a good time.


	5. Chapter 5

'So things between Kyle and I ended. It was mutual. I couldn't deal with that one thing of his, so we decided to just end us. We'll still remain friends however. Hell, later today I'm going to his place so we can hang out and watch horror movies. I have classes to attend first and a test to study for. The chapters we're going over in Psychology are really interesting. It's more or less the things I want to study in terms of Psychology. Abnormal Psychology. All about mental disorders, signs, symptoms, and all that. So far, the most interesting chapters we've gone over. It sucks that the class is almost over though. And I doubt I'll be able to take another psychology class for quite a while. I have to get a doctorate's in physics to be a physicist, which is what I want, or at least half of it. I also need at least a masters in psychology, so I can study m real goal. Of course hopefully I can be working in physics while going back to school for psyche. I don't know if I'll stay in South Park, probably not for long, so I can get a good job. Denver is probably my best bet for getting a physics job and then go to college out there. But all that is far in the future, around ten years or more. It is kind of scary, to think about. But then, this is my dream and I'm working towards it.

I guess I have changed a lot. I never thought I'd end things with Kyle, he was everything I ever wanted for the most part. Except for that one thing.

But I changed. Humans change quite a bit, ever-changing. From each minute that passes, we're different then than we were before. Time changes us all. Accept it or fight it, the choice is yours.'

With that, Pete stood up and grabbed his backpack. He had class to get to. He flipped his hair out of his eyes and glanced at his phone. He would be pretty early to class. Oh well. More time to see what all he had to do in his classes. And with that, he left his room, closing the door behind him.


End file.
